


Death by Love

by writingforthelonelysoul



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Gen, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, One Shot, Self-Hatred, Short One Shot, Tissue Warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:42:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27617138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writingforthelonelysoul/pseuds/writingforthelonelysoul
Summary: Sam-centric angst. Lots of angst. Touches on some incidents that may have caused Sam’s low-self esteem and suicidal nature. An alternate ending, right after S04E21, Lucifer Rising. Includes pre-series Winchesters. Destiel if you squint.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 8





	Death by Love

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever fic, so feedback would really be appreciated. Read at your own risk, it is suicidal in nature. If suuicidal thoughts trigger you, please turn back. Content warning: guns, fire.

'Love is giving someone a gun pointing at you, hoping they won't pull the trigger.'

I disagree. People only pull the trigger when they think the world is better without you, and no one who truly loves you can think that. Love works differently. When someone you love hurts you, it is a knife twisting sharply in your gut. When they make you happy, it is the warm spring sun shining on your body. 

Sam Winchester was six years old when his father missed his birthday the second time. The first time, he was four, too young to fully understand the importance of a birthday and the hurt of having to spend one without dad. John apologised, of course, and then drank himself into a stupor.  
At six, however, all he wanted was Dean and dad, and it hurt when dad wasn't there.

He was nine when he found out about the supernatural. When he found out why they could never stay in the same place and make friends. He was nine when he went to sleep feeling responsible for his Mom, for what their life had become. He was nine when he thought about leaving for the first time. 

He was thirteen when he messed up at a hunt, and Dean got hurt. He knew he would never forgive himself. He was thirteen when his dad asked him why he couldn't be more like Dean. He was thirteen when John told him he regrets his second son. He went to sleep that night wondering why he had been born. He wished he hadn't been. 

He was eighteen when he found he couldn't decide between putting a gun in his mouth and leaving for Stanford. He settled for the gun when his father told him never to come back. He changed his mind when Dean drove him to the bus station. 

He was nineteen when he met Jessica Moore. She was fire and hope and brightness and starlight. He thanked everyone, everything, that he had not chosen the gun. She showed him what safe and happy really meant. It was no surprise, really, that her eyes were as green as freshly-mowed grass. With her, he allowed himself to dream for the first time in his life.

He was twenty-two when she burned. His dreams burned with her, and his world came crashing down. But this time, Dean was there to keep him from falling apart.  
Maybe this time around, it would be better. He had his brother and that would have to be enough.  
Except, he didn’t.

He was twenty-five when his brother was dragged to Hell. He was falling, and there was no one to catch him, no one to hold him, to bring him back from the edge. Killing Lilith wouldn't help, not really, he knew that, but it would be better than killing himself. So he hated himself a little more, sliced open Ruby's wrist and drank. 

Dean came back, and with him came a dark-haired, blue-eyed Angel. The Angel told him he was an abomination. Sam wondered why he kept fighting.

Sam Winchester was twenty-six when he let Lucifer out of his cage. He hadn't meant to, he hadn't, he really, truly hadn’t known, but it was done and Dean couldn't look at him anymore. So he left, because then, that was all he knew to do. Dean had an Angel who loved him and Sam had one bullet in a gun.

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, any and all feedback is welcome. Additionally, do let me know if I missed any tags or warnings. Thanks for reading!


End file.
